As I see my son walking in a foolish way I am confronted with my own rebellion towards God.
My son, perhaps in a more honest and clear rebellion, seems to be purer in some way.
I follow the rules and in many ways walk in a clean straight path...but my rebellion towards God remains.
I look down in shame.

Perhaps that is why God allows my son to walk in such a dreadful path... perhaps God rathers to see such a walk than to see more hypocresy.

"Lord, I love you and I wish to follow you." these are the words of my lips...but then He guides and then my heart is filled with complaints...every step I complain... everystep I am angry and resentfull...everystep I think of God as a fool for guiding me in such a path "there are so many other things or ways that would be easier, better and much funner. ways in which I would be respected and honored, loved and accepted...but God you have to choose the crummy paths...the ones that are full of mosquitoes and make me look and smell like a mess. I do not get any credit and nobody knows I exist. I could easily die and nobody would mourn!"

So I look at my heart. I look down in shame.
Perhaps that is why God does not insit in many others becoming christians...

I take a glimpse at Him.
He has a far away distance look... as if He were looking at the longing of His heart...
God knew from the beginning who would put their trus in Him. So He chose them and made them to BE like HIS SON.
Rom. 8:29

Who is Jesus looking at? or what is he looking at?
Perhaps He is remembering the cross and how through it he made such a way possible...
Perhaps He is remembering Paul, Peter or John who dared to take their cross and die to self...
Perhaps He is looking into the future, a near future, when a group of people that have dared to go beyond our religiousness has finally made it to a "hatching" point... and their beauty will be evident...
Not chrisitans but Christ like people.

I take a deep, deep sigh.
I too look forward to such a time.
I too long for that day with increasing desire... my true desire... my lifetime dream...
and I want to be part of that group.

Beethoven dreamed of making this world a better world through his music. He dreamed of people living together and in harmony...in unity.

His dream is my dream. People living in unity.
I have started to live the second part of my life.
I have chosen one single thing to pursue: TO BE CHRIST LIKE.
No longer a christian, I take on a new path. A path of destruction and yet of life.
I chose seek my dream with the same passion my friend Beethoven did it.
And I hope that at the end of my days God and Beethoven will be able to say:
"Beatriz Gasca, that was one of the most beautiful symphonies we have ever heard."

A while ago I felt I could not take another step in this direction... now I begin to get fresh new hope.
Jesus winked at me a little while ago.
I smiled.

CHRIST IN ME HOPE OF GLORY