I have been trying to finish reading Leviticus. Every word seems to burn, agony is the result, weakness becomes evident... who can draw near God?

Nobody can draw near God and live. This is the purpose of drawing near God- to die to one's self...to reach that point in which one may speak up from the heart and say:
Not I but Christ in me lives.

Beautiful words that seem totally out of reach.
In times like today I want to give up.
I want to fall into a comfortable zone of "being a christian" but not being Christlike.

Who can draw near God?
I keep finding any excuse to close my Bible and do something else. I just can't seem to get to a rendering spot.... more than that - a dying spot.
I keep turning my back.
As I read I meet a God that I cannot control, manipulate nor describe.
I am scared to face such a God.
I am scared to draw near Him.
So I turn away... breaking His heart... I can sense His pain... but my weakness is strong.

Who can draw near God?
Agony. Deep agony.
I have turned my back yet I continue to be in agony... I wish I could draw near God... I long for His presence... I long for a changed soul... I wish to walk near Him... I long for Him...but there is so much of Him that offends me, so much of Him I do not like, so much of Him I do not understand, so much of Him It was not...

How can I draw near God?
Dying to the ugly things in me is one thing...dying to things in me that I value and consider an asset, well... that just does not seem right... it seems unfair.

I sigh.
It seems so hard to let go of self.

"Bea, will you give up?"
No. I will turn off the computer and go for it once more time. I will go and open my Bible and read it and face the God I dislike.

"Why would you do such a thing, Bea?"
For the same silly reason I do so many other things:
It must be done. Somebody must do it...and I do not see anybody else doing it.
It must be done. Perhaps if I do it others will be encouraged to do it...

"Is it important that others do it?"
Yes, definitely. Have you seen people wandering about with a lost look? They need God. But they are not buying a cheap copy of God. They are longing for the real thing.
Somebody must live a life that proves that God is God.
Real God.
Real Life.

Not a chrisitian life.
but a Christ like life... and there is only one way to get there:

Pick up your cross.
Die to self.

You see the theory I got clear.
What is killing me is trying to live what I preach.

"Will you make it, Bea?"
I do not know. I am so weak, so frail.
But I got to try.
I see it as my last chance. I have tried so many other things to bring life to the ones that I love...none has been successfull.
So I have placed high bets into other things. Good things...I thought. But they haven't availed to much.
My son has grown up and chosen to study Philosophy in order to search for the truth.
So I have had to face the hipocresy in my heart.
I have had to face that a christian life is not what God has in demand.
And I have had to sit and look at the one road He has always pointed at:
Die to your self.

So I have taken a deep breath and started to walk down this road.
Every step an agony of death.
I want to walk this path, but strength seems to be gone... I am now on my knees searching for some strenght to get back on my feet and move on...
I cannot give up... so much is at stake....somebody must go beyond...I cannot give up...

one prayer reaches my lips:

"God who fills me with fear:
draw me near to you... I lack the strenght...
draw me near, please."