Humans

I have had this thoughts before... many times before. When I was a child I used to write stories that would express these ideas. I never kept them stories because I only wrote them for myself. I remember wondering why I was so different from most people. I remember wondering at the ugliness in humans, and truly believing that there must be a reason to explain their meaness and I remember strongly believing that "they only need a little love...then they will become sweet and neat people."
I was often scared of my own meaness, I was shaken by the hardness of my own heart...but I hated it and longed to be freed from such a monster. Yes, I often used monsters in my stories and many times they were friendly monsters.
Last year when I came back to Mexico I remeber being extremely tired, as if I had taken a long, long journey. Indeed I had. I had gone all the way, and returned.
Where had I gone? I had gone all the way into the darkness of human society. I had visited the cruelest of hearts. I had seen and tasted human's arrogance and selfishness...including my own.

When pondering on what I wanted to aim at in the future I had one thought "a small house, in the country...far from humans... far from the madness that surrounds our every move."
Today I feel divided. I know how much God longs for a church that walks in true unity. To be able to make his dream come true I must be part of a group. And my spirit tries to point all this out to me.
But today I think of that foolish, silly but most desirable dream...that little house far from human beings.

It is not that I do not enjoy their company. It is not that I do not love people. The controversial issue is that I do. I enjoy people and easily fall in love with them. I quickly see their beauty and enjoy the different colors that beam from their soul.

Oh, but sin... sin certainly destroys so much of the beauty. It blinds us to the point of taking us to destroy the very people we are to edify... we are so stupid.
I see too much. I see and hear but I wish I did not. We preach one thing...live sooooo far from our words, and yet want results. We trip over the stupidest things...

"Bea, what happened? why are you so down?"
Well, If you are really willing to lend me a shoulder to cry on... then I will share the sadness of my heart.
I work in a christian school. I have been there for a couple of months. Few but very hard months. I have been shocked by the attitude of the students. I have been baffled by the hipocresy of some of the parents. I have been hurt by the inmature attitudes of one of the leaders, but I had a bit of refuge in "our team"...meaning the English teachers.
We seemed to be backing up eachother in a beautiful gentle way... until thanksgiving came up. We were asked to present a play... and suddenly we have become wild animals. We have been biting eachother, trying to get our ideas to be used and our students to get the best roles... very ugly indeed.
We have less than a month to be ready, but we just can't get our act together. We were suppossed to paint the scenery today. We did not do it. But I think that what is bugging me is the attitude of the other teachers when they walked in the teachers room and found me working (I arrived early and started to work on a project for the bulleting board of my classroom)... they were agressive "WHAT are you doing???"
It gives me the shivers even now.
Their words were like the claws of an angered animal, they dug deep into my soul.

Outside I smiled and told them I was putting together the art projects my students had done for our bulleting board. They sighed with relief, somebody even said something like "so it is NOT one of the decorations, right?"

I sigh.
No it was not one of the decorations...but what if it had been? what if I had gotten up inspired and full of energy and decided to make some decoration for that day? Would it have been so terrible? Would it have hurt anybody? Isn't there enough room all over the school to put everybody's decoration?

In fact part of my sadness is precisely that I didn't wake up inspired to make a decoration. Of course it is hard to get inspired when I had already written two different plays and niether was accepted. I was not surprised with the first one, since it was a bit radical because I pointed to the fact that indians were cruely treated afterwards. But I was hopping the second one would be accepted despite it was also a bit "different" because it mentioned the fact that people were escaping religious persecution, yet we often persecute those who do not want to accept chrisitianity. But it was expressed in a nice way because I included the passage of the young man asking Jesus what he needed for salvation. Jesus telling him to follow him. The young man turned and left Jesus. AND JESUS LET HIM GO. Amazing story.
I thought it was a great play and the right place to set it up (schools are meant to educate, not entertain). I was sad that it was turned down, but I was willing to cooperate. And I continue to be willing to cooparate...but not inspired, it is hard to be inspired when you see that people say " I do not like your ideas" then one steps back and says "ok, I will back up yours" and then two weeks after they still haven't been able to put together the dialogues of the play they want. But somehow in the midst of their childish behaviour I turn up to be the mean one, for they expect me to write the play...but I know myself, if I should write another play it will turn up to be unacceptable again. I will not limit myself to the typical thanksgiving play, it is not my way of being. I could come up with another idea, but again it will be one to make people think, simply because I see this as an opportunity to plant ideas, to move hearts...

well, thanks for listening. I feel better now... a little bit at least. I continue to sigh deeply, and I know I will go to bed dreaming of that house far, far away from people, but I know that rest will sooth my soul and by tomorrow morning I will be ready to face a new day.
A new day surrounded by people, and some of them most dear to my soul.

Thanks for listening. Do not worry... I have made it all the way to 42, I am sure I can walk a bit more among this bittersweet mess.