Letter written to Hanne

did you get the copy of the play I wrote for thanksgiving?
well, it was not accepted either.
At first it didnt hurt. I strongly suspected it would not be accepted.
The pain came latter when after several days of not getting anywhere (I decided not to write another play because I knew it would also be rejected but nobody else did anything about it) I asked the coordinator what was going to happen and she showed me that she had found a book that gave a bried outline on thanksgiving day and she had underlined the parts she had chosen...but she hadn't typed them out yet. So I voluntereed to do it.
when I got home I found the papers I had written the play in... they were stapled in the four corners!!!!!!!!!

Then it hurt. It was as if the message written in them were some sort of heresy...better staple them so nobody else sees them... OUCH OUCH OUCH

That has taken me into a time of rebellion with God. I have been angry at him. (which is totally stupid since He is God...)
But I keep asking Him why must it hurt...why couldn't he figure out a way for me to serve Him devotedly WITHOUT having to face rejection in my everystep

After several days of fighting and giving him dirty looks. God took me to visit a woman who just had her baby and is with post-partum blues. The psycologist told her that the problem was that her expectations were different. She had expected to give and to postpone many other things for this baby but she had not expected the pain of breastfeeding to be soooo real.
She told her "you had a fantasy and now you are faced with reality, the sooner you accept reality as it is the better...the longer you hang on to your fantasy of what being a mother is like (all soft and pink) the better for you and for your child"

I think God is telling me the same...
"BEA, get real the message I have placed in your lips is not a neat one. It will be rejected over and over again"

Right now the words He spoke to Moses come to my mind "they are not rejecting you, they are rejecting me."

I sigh.
I guess I better set my rebellion aside, and just start to "get real"
Instead of fighting God, it is probably wiser to ask Him to help me learn how to deal with rejection.

As I wrote that last letter my soul shriked inside of me... it does not want to learn to face rejection. It continues to hope for a smooth walk...

May God have mercy on me and may He take my hand and show me how to walk in this "not at all smooth" walk.

just needed to tell someone...thanks for being there to listen.
love,
Beatriz