Letter to Paulette

Dear Paulette,
please bear with me...
here I am in the very same spot which I hate to be in yet continue to be in.
I have two students in my 6th grade class who are making my life miserable. They do not want to make any effort to learn, so they complain all the time. They try to copy from their classmates and since I do not let them do so they say they do not understand and say I am a bad teacher because I do not explain. They even answer back and give me real dirty looks.
Not only that they are disobedient. When I tell them to work with one of classmates they choose who they want to work with and dont obey me... they are taking my joy to teach that group away. They are only two but... aggghhhh!!!!
But that is not the real issue. As I was pondering on this God simply said "they remind me of you"
ouch.
So I stop and I am silent long enough to let everything settle down and then look into my own heart. God is right. I keep having exactly the same attitudes towards him.
ouch.

I look even further down to see where my rebellion is rooted in and I reach the very same issue of the past. PAIN.
I wish God would tell me to serve Him, and then lead me to people who are really hungry of Him, and to people who will not bite my hand as I feed them.
The whole Bible clearly states that such is not the fate of those who follow God. I clearly see that we will get hurt... Even and specially by those who we love...
I keep fighting this. I do not like it. I call it unfair. And perhaps it is unfair but it is part of the call.
Thing is that love softens you, so when you are hurt...well, it REALLY hurts. Couldn't God figure out a way it did not hurt so much? Why must I feel the pain? Couldn't He figure out some real anestishia? Doesn't He understand that I do not know how to handle pain? Doesn't He see how much energy it takes out of me? How much joy is taken out when I feel rejected and laughed at? Couldn't He invent some sort of magical way to protect me?

I do not know how to handle rejection. God is probably trying to teach me how to do it...but I am looking at him angrily and telling Him to find an easier way for me.
I mean if Paul was stoned and then he was able to get up and to continue preaching...well, hooray for him...BUT I am not Paul. And such a life does not seem attractive to me.

So, why am I sharing the ugliness of my heart?
Because I need somebody to pray for me. I need to be able to reach that point of total surrender where I am able to tell God: okay, this is the way it will be so I might as well learn how to deal with rejection. Show me, I am willing to learn.

So far, I have not reached this point yet. I hate rejection. It hurts too much. It hurts too much. It hurts.
on the other hand, I know God is God so I feel I am walking in a stupid way by hanging on to my rebelliousness.

May God have mercy of me.
love you lots.
Beatriz

Letter written to Hanne

did you get the copy of the play I wrote for thanksgiving?
well, it was not accepted either.
At first it didnt hurt. I strongly suspected it would not be accepted.
The pain came latter when after several days of not getting anywhere (I decided not to write another play because I knew it would also be rejected but nobody else did anything about it) I asked the coordinator what was going to happen and she showed me that she had found a book that gave a bried outline on thanksgiving day and she had underlined the parts she had chosen...but she hadn't typed them out yet. So I voluntereed to do it.
when I got home I found the papers I had written the play in... they were stapled in the four corners!!!!!!!!!

Then it hurt. It was as if the message written in them were some sort of heresy...better staple them so nobody else sees them... OUCH OUCH OUCH

That has taken me into a time of rebellion with God. I have been angry at him. (which is totally stupid since He is God...)
But I keep asking Him why must it hurt...why couldn't he figure out a way for me to serve Him devotedly WITHOUT having to face rejection in my everystep

After several days of fighting and giving him dirty looks. God took me to visit a woman who just had her baby and is with post-partum blues. The psycologist told her that the problem was that her expectations were different. She had expected to give and to postpone many other things for this baby but she had not expected the pain of breastfeeding to be soooo real.
She told her "you had a fantasy and now you are faced with reality, the sooner you accept reality as it is the better...the longer you hang on to your fantasy of what being a mother is like (all soft and pink) the better for you and for your child"

I think God is telling me the same...
"BEA, get real the message I have placed in your lips is not a neat one. It will be rejected over and over again"

Right now the words He spoke to Moses come to my mind "they are not rejecting you, they are rejecting me."

I sigh.
I guess I better set my rebellion aside, and just start to "get real"
Instead of fighting God, it is probably wiser to ask Him to help me learn how to deal with rejection.

As I wrote that last letter my soul shriked inside of me... it does not want to learn to face rejection. It continues to hope for a smooth walk...

May God have mercy on me and may He take my hand and show me how to walk in this "not at all smooth" walk.

just needed to tell someone...thanks for being there to listen.
love,
Beatriz

Be brave

For a while now every single day had been a drag. Not necessarily bad, but yes burdensome. Finally I got to the point of saying "God, please do something... I just can't keep this up"
His answer was a soft whiper:
Be brave.
I knew what He was talking about.
Weeks ago I had a problem with the principal of the school. I had not spoken to her, despite the fact that I knew I should. It was important to get the uglyness out before an infection grew but I kept postponing it.
I postponed it for the very same reason we all postpone doing this type of things. Confronting others is no easy task. Usually instead of cleaning up a mess things turn out worse.
So I postponed my duty.
Be brave.

Assured that God was going to be with me... no matter what came out of the whole issue.... this morning I went and talked to the principal.
In a way it was strange. She did not shout or anything, but at the same time we did not reach that point of being friends... BUT, BUT, BUT something happened in my spiritual realm. I inmediatly started to feel strength coming back into my very own veins, and my soul drank from this refreshing waters too.
God rewarding my obedience.
wow.
Be brave.
I have always kept these words in a strong determined voice type of frame, but this time God just gently whispered them words into my soul.

Be brave.

Somebody must whisper this words more often... somebody should obey this voice more often

Be brave. I will back you up.

Who was it that said "Evil will continue to triumph as long as good people do nothing."?
I forget right now, maybe Ghandi or Martin Luther King, maybe somebody else but I am sure they both would agree with this phrase.
I know it is true...
and I know God agrees.
Be brave.

Humans

I have had this thoughts before... many times before. When I was a child I used to write stories that would express these ideas. I never kept them stories because I only wrote them for myself. I remember wondering why I was so different from most people. I remember wondering at the ugliness in humans, and truly believing that there must be a reason to explain their meaness and I remember strongly believing that "they only need a little love...then they will become sweet and neat people."
I was often scared of my own meaness, I was shaken by the hardness of my own heart...but I hated it and longed to be freed from such a monster. Yes, I often used monsters in my stories and many times they were friendly monsters.
Last year when I came back to Mexico I remeber being extremely tired, as if I had taken a long, long journey. Indeed I had. I had gone all the way, and returned.
Where had I gone? I had gone all the way into the darkness of human society. I had visited the cruelest of hearts. I had seen and tasted human's arrogance and selfishness...including my own.

When pondering on what I wanted to aim at in the future I had one thought "a small house, in the country...far from humans... far from the madness that surrounds our every move."
Today I feel divided. I know how much God longs for a church that walks in true unity. To be able to make his dream come true I must be part of a group. And my spirit tries to point all this out to me.
But today I think of that foolish, silly but most desirable dream...that little house far from human beings.

It is not that I do not enjoy their company. It is not that I do not love people. The controversial issue is that I do. I enjoy people and easily fall in love with them. I quickly see their beauty and enjoy the different colors that beam from their soul.

Oh, but sin... sin certainly destroys so much of the beauty. It blinds us to the point of taking us to destroy the very people we are to edify... we are so stupid.
I see too much. I see and hear but I wish I did not. We preach one thing...live sooooo far from our words, and yet want results. We trip over the stupidest things...

"Bea, what happened? why are you so down?"
Well, If you are really willing to lend me a shoulder to cry on... then I will share the sadness of my heart.
I work in a christian school. I have been there for a couple of months. Few but very hard months. I have been shocked by the attitude of the students. I have been baffled by the hipocresy of some of the parents. I have been hurt by the inmature attitudes of one of the leaders, but I had a bit of refuge in "our team"...meaning the English teachers.
We seemed to be backing up eachother in a beautiful gentle way... until thanksgiving came up. We were asked to present a play... and suddenly we have become wild animals. We have been biting eachother, trying to get our ideas to be used and our students to get the best roles... very ugly indeed.
We have less than a month to be ready, but we just can't get our act together. We were suppossed to paint the scenery today. We did not do it. But I think that what is bugging me is the attitude of the other teachers when they walked in the teachers room and found me working (I arrived early and started to work on a project for the bulleting board of my classroom)... they were agressive "WHAT are you doing???"
It gives me the shivers even now.
Their words were like the claws of an angered animal, they dug deep into my soul.

Outside I smiled and told them I was putting together the art projects my students had done for our bulleting board. They sighed with relief, somebody even said something like "so it is NOT one of the decorations, right?"

I sigh.
No it was not one of the decorations...but what if it had been? what if I had gotten up inspired and full of energy and decided to make some decoration for that day? Would it have been so terrible? Would it have hurt anybody? Isn't there enough room all over the school to put everybody's decoration?

In fact part of my sadness is precisely that I didn't wake up inspired to make a decoration. Of course it is hard to get inspired when I had already written two different plays and niether was accepted. I was not surprised with the first one, since it was a bit radical because I pointed to the fact that indians were cruely treated afterwards. But I was hopping the second one would be accepted despite it was also a bit "different" because it mentioned the fact that people were escaping religious persecution, yet we often persecute those who do not want to accept chrisitianity. But it was expressed in a nice way because I included the passage of the young man asking Jesus what he needed for salvation. Jesus telling him to follow him. The young man turned and left Jesus. AND JESUS LET HIM GO. Amazing story.
I thought it was a great play and the right place to set it up (schools are meant to educate, not entertain). I was sad that it was turned down, but I was willing to cooperate. And I continue to be willing to cooparate...but not inspired, it is hard to be inspired when you see that people say " I do not like your ideas" then one steps back and says "ok, I will back up yours" and then two weeks after they still haven't been able to put together the dialogues of the play they want. But somehow in the midst of their childish behaviour I turn up to be the mean one, for they expect me to write the play...but I know myself, if I should write another play it will turn up to be unacceptable again. I will not limit myself to the typical thanksgiving play, it is not my way of being. I could come up with another idea, but again it will be one to make people think, simply because I see this as an opportunity to plant ideas, to move hearts...

well, thanks for listening. I feel better now... a little bit at least. I continue to sigh deeply, and I know I will go to bed dreaming of that house far, far away from people, but I know that rest will sooth my soul and by tomorrow morning I will be ready to face a new day.
A new day surrounded by people, and some of them most dear to my soul.

Thanks for listening. Do not worry... I have made it all the way to 42, I am sure I can walk a bit more among this bittersweet mess.

I have been trying to finish reading Leviticus. Every word seems to burn, agony is the result, weakness becomes evident... who can draw near God?

Nobody can draw near God and live. This is the purpose of drawing near God- to die to one's self...to reach that point in which one may speak up from the heart and say:
Not I but Christ in me lives.

Beautiful words that seem totally out of reach.
In times like today I want to give up.
I want to fall into a comfortable zone of "being a christian" but not being Christlike.

Who can draw near God?
I keep finding any excuse to close my Bible and do something else. I just can't seem to get to a rendering spot.... more than that - a dying spot.
I keep turning my back.
As I read I meet a God that I cannot control, manipulate nor describe.
I am scared to face such a God.
I am scared to draw near Him.
So I turn away... breaking His heart... I can sense His pain... but my weakness is strong.

Who can draw near God?
Agony. Deep agony.
I have turned my back yet I continue to be in agony... I wish I could draw near God... I long for His presence... I long for a changed soul... I wish to walk near Him... I long for Him...but there is so much of Him that offends me, so much of Him I do not like, so much of Him I do not understand, so much of Him It was not...

How can I draw near God?
Dying to the ugly things in me is one thing...dying to things in me that I value and consider an asset, well... that just does not seem right... it seems unfair.

I sigh.
It seems so hard to let go of self.

"Bea, will you give up?"
No. I will turn off the computer and go for it once more time. I will go and open my Bible and read it and face the God I dislike.

"Why would you do such a thing, Bea?"
For the same silly reason I do so many other things:
It must be done. Somebody must do it...and I do not see anybody else doing it.
It must be done. Perhaps if I do it others will be encouraged to do it...

"Is it important that others do it?"
Yes, definitely. Have you seen people wandering about with a lost look? They need God. But they are not buying a cheap copy of God. They are longing for the real thing.
Somebody must live a life that proves that God is God.
Real God.
Real Life.

Not a chrisitian life.
but a Christ like life... and there is only one way to get there:

Pick up your cross.
Die to self.

You see the theory I got clear.
What is killing me is trying to live what I preach.

"Will you make it, Bea?"
I do not know. I am so weak, so frail.
But I got to try.
I see it as my last chance. I have tried so many other things to bring life to the ones that I love...none has been successfull.
So I have placed high bets into other things. Good things...I thought. But they haven't availed to much.
My son has grown up and chosen to study Philosophy in order to search for the truth.
So I have had to face the hipocresy in my heart.
I have had to face that a christian life is not what God has in demand.
And I have had to sit and look at the one road He has always pointed at:
Die to your self.

So I have taken a deep breath and started to walk down this road.
Every step an agony of death.
I want to walk this path, but strength seems to be gone... I am now on my knees searching for some strenght to get back on my feet and move on...
I cannot give up... so much is at stake....somebody must go beyond...I cannot give up...

one prayer reaches my lips:

"God who fills me with fear:
draw me near to you... I lack the strenght...
draw me near, please."

As I see my son walking in a foolish way I am confronted with my own rebellion towards God.
My son, perhaps in a more honest and clear rebellion, seems to be purer in some way.
I follow the rules and in many ways walk in a clean straight path...but my rebellion towards God remains.
I look down in shame.

Perhaps that is why God allows my son to walk in such a dreadful path... perhaps God rathers to see such a walk than to see more hypocresy.

"Lord, I love you and I wish to follow you." these are the words of my lips...but then He guides and then my heart is filled with complaints...every step I complain... everystep I am angry and resentfull...everystep I think of God as a fool for guiding me in such a path "there are so many other things or ways that would be easier, better and much funner. ways in which I would be respected and honored, loved and accepted...but God you have to choose the crummy paths...the ones that are full of mosquitoes and make me look and smell like a mess. I do not get any credit and nobody knows I exist. I could easily die and nobody would mourn!"

So I look at my heart. I look down in shame.
Perhaps that is why God does not insit in many others becoming christians...

I take a glimpse at Him.
He has a far away distance look... as if He were looking at the longing of His heart...
God knew from the beginning who would put their trus in Him. So He chose them and made them to BE like HIS SON.
Rom. 8:29

Who is Jesus looking at? or what is he looking at?
Perhaps He is remembering the cross and how through it he made such a way possible...
Perhaps He is remembering Paul, Peter or John who dared to take their cross and die to self...
Perhaps He is looking into the future, a near future, when a group of people that have dared to go beyond our religiousness has finally made it to a "hatching" point... and their beauty will be evident...
Not chrisitans but Christ like people.

I take a deep, deep sigh.
I too look forward to such a time.
I too long for that day with increasing desire... my true desire... my lifetime dream...
and I want to be part of that group.

Beethoven dreamed of making this world a better world through his music. He dreamed of people living together and in harmony...in unity.

His dream is my dream. People living in unity.
I have started to live the second part of my life.
I have chosen one single thing to pursue: TO BE CHRIST LIKE.
No longer a christian, I take on a new path. A path of destruction and yet of life.
I chose seek my dream with the same passion my friend Beethoven did it.
And I hope that at the end of my days God and Beethoven will be able to say:
"Beatriz Gasca, that was one of the most beautiful symphonies we have ever heard."

A while ago I felt I could not take another step in this direction... now I begin to get fresh new hope.
Jesus winked at me a little while ago.
I smiled.

CHRIST IN ME HOPE OF GLORY